Fake MPD

So this is a problem I've had for a while. Probably for as long as I can remember, but especially for the past couple years. 

In my head, there is a type of person I want to be. Actually, a bunch of types of people...and they are always conflicting with each other, and with the person that I actually am (whoever that is). Sometimes I want to be positive, optimistic...and sometimes I want to be realistic or cynical. Sometimes I want to be judgmental, and sometimes I want to love everybody and have everybody love me back. Sometimes I want to believe the cliches, and sometimes I want to laugh at how ridiculous they are. 

I will go through months where I want to be a certain type of person, and then realize I don't actually, and then I'm confused about myself and where I am in my life. 

There's people who knew me when I wanted to be a different type of person than the person I wanted to be when I went to university, and then there's people who knew me even before those people, and there's people who knew me in different settings, and all through this time I've been confused about the person I am and want to be...and so essentially I have a bunch of different versions of myself floating around out there, and a bunch of different people who think they know me, but really only know the type of person I wanted to be when I met them and the type of person I wanted to be while we continued to know each other. And I let their perception of me limit the person I am with them. 

Mainly, I just want consistency. I want to know what I want. I want to know who I am, and for other people to know who I am. I honestly don't even really think that people can objectively "be" anything. Maybe this is why I am having this trouble. But I don't want to have to switch personalities when I switch who I'm talking to. I want to be able to follow people's advice when they say "just be yourself" in an interview. 

No idea how to remedy this at all...

Summer Reading List

1. East of Eden - John Steinbeck
2. Cider House Rules - John Irving
3. Cornflakes with John Lennon - Robert Hilburn
4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
5. Persuasion - Jane Austen
6. 50 Shades of Gray - E.L. James
7. A Complicated Kindness - Miriam Toews
8. Half-Blood Blues - Esi Edugyan
9. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
10. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time - Mike Haddon

Bonjour?

So here I am... a sad student's third attempt at a blog or blog-like creation. Sad in the sort of pathetic way, not the depressed way (though I can't say that feeling is completely absent in my feelings spectrum). As a science/music-lover, I've never really held words in high priority, though have always been able to appreciate a good book. But I have recently become infatuated with the idea of writing, partly because I am awful at taking the buzzing that goes around in my head and putting it onto paper and am amazed at people who are able to do so. I have also had the time to delve back into reading for pleasure after two fairly crazy years at school and am just loving the idea of words.

I'm putting some faith into the words I'm hoping to write here. I want their concrete nature to hold me accountable - feelings are definitely mutable, but this isn't as much (thanks to the staying power of the wonderful worldwide web).  I'm also hoping they will serve as a medium onto which I can clear some of the racing thoughts that tend to become somewhat overburdening.

 I suppose I'll start with my (created-on-the-spot-right-here-right-now) Summer To-Do list:
1. Learn fluent French. I realize this might be a bit unrealistic, but I want to be able to hold a slow conversation in French by the end of the summer, at least. Source of this post's title.
2. Make a new friend.
3. Go to a free Toronto event every weekend I'm in the city.
4. Save $3500.
5. Develop a healthy eating/exercise regime. Maybe start regular Zumba.
6. Read every book on my Summer Reading list. I'll post this later.
7. Hang out with every friend on my Friends I need to Catch Up With list. I probably won't post this later.
8. Start using pen and paper more than my computer. I will say that I like using a computer to write, though, because you can go back and change things you feel could be said in a nicer way. This is absolutely necessary for me when it comes to the thoughts-to-words translation because my first thoughts on anything are always scattered and messy sounding.
9. Learn a new piano piece.
10. Fully educate myself on American and Canadian politics.

These all seem fairly doable to me (especially once I've finished my summer course). I will update on my progress.

Well...that's all for now, I guess.  Here's a really epic video. I'm going to be one of those screaming fans in only A MONTH AND 9 DAYS!